Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Iowahawk's 'CSI: Tucson'

"Palin! There she is! Get her!"
Dave Burge rocks!
CSI: Tucson

Fade in. Chaotic supermarket parking lot, strewn with bodies in aftermath of shooting spree. Amid lights and sirens, a bearded man in black windbreaker and sunglasses ducks under the yellow police tape.

Sir -- sir! Please remain behind the cordon. This is an active crime scene investigation.

KRUGMAN (flashes New York Times OpEd badge)
I know. Krugman, CSI. This is my partner Lt. Matthews.

Who's in charge here? And where are the donuts?

He's over there sir -- Sheriff Dupnik. He's in charge of the donuts, too.

Krugman and Matthews cross the parking lot, deftly stepping over sheet-covered corpses

Krugman. Matthews. I was wondering when you two would get here. We've already booked a perp.


White male, 22, close cropped hair. Goes by the name of ‘Lucidfer Matrix Dreambrain.’ Another typical college Republican.

Captain! Captain Krugman! I think you should see this.

On the asphalt outside supermarket, the CSI squad gathers around a spilled bag of groceries outlined in chalk.

Good work rookie. Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Crouching down, Krugman picks up a box of Lipton tea bags with the tip of his pencil.

KRUGMAN (whipping off sunglasses)
If I know my demand curves, I’d say our young Republican wasn't acting alone.

Cue opening credit sequence


Fast-paced action montage of CSI team shaking test tubes, spellchecking, studying tea bags under microscope, arresting cactus

We won't get fooled again!

CSI Headquarters. Behind a two-way mirror, Krugman and Matthews watch as the suspect is interrogated by detectives Olbermann and Maddow.

Out with it, scumbag! Who are you working with? We know you're hiding something - or somebody! At long last, have you no shame, sir?! Have you no decency?

Riddle me this, Batman. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? That's for me to know, but what am I? Ha hah! Heee! Ho hee! Pbblltth!

Olbermann jumps up angrily from chair, Maddow restrains him.

Look, pal. Olbermann here, he goes just a little crazy kookoo sometimes. You should see him when he goes full Special Commentary. But you can trust me. I’m your friend. I'll take care of you, see? Here, have a nice hot cup of tea...

Dreambrain knocks the tea from the table

You're trying to control my grammar! I have a constitutional right to saxophones!

MATTHEWS (on intercom)
Take five, detectives. His rightwing gibberish isn't getting us anywhere.


Looks like our perp got instructions to dry out his system before pulled off the hit. Dammit, we need to get a solid ID on the scumbag controlling these trigger men before there's another bloodbath! Let’s see if Sullivan has any leads.

Dimly-lit high tech laboratory under CSI HQ, filled with fetal grow charts, maternity shop mannequins

So Sullivan, who do you think Dreambrain was working with?

Well, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say it was a woman. Late 40's. Likely an ex-governor of a US state. One capable of mind control and superhuman childbirth abilities.

Dammit man, I need something more solid than that! Did you say she controls people with her mind?

No, she controls other people’s minds… but not with her own.

Jump to Iowahawk for the thrilling conclusion to this exciting episode of "CSI: Tuscon"!


1 comment:

  1. My sides hurt (Ha Ha Ha)- can't stop laughin'... BRILLIANT!!!