Exclusive! Jesse and School District are Splitsville!

*
Earlier this week one of our best sources claimed to have explosive new information for us.

It took all week for us to finally get together, but last night we finally sat down for an amazing conversation. And what we heard made our jaws drop.

According to our source his employer is finished with Jesse and has decided to end their relationship.

He is asking for $10, $20 and $50 contributions to his tip jar (I wonder whose donations paid for that?), and may be considering moving himself and the boy as far away from Alaska as he can get.

Do you remember all of that talk about Palin's lawyer presenting Jesse with papers in front of a classroom of supposedly traumatized children? Well it turns out that lie now sleeps with the fishes. Apparently in a fit of hubris Jesse let his readers believe that he was still teaching until finally admitting today that he's no longer employed by the school district. One of our sources says the school district stripped the employee ID from his wallet and tossed it into a lake. (No we did not think to ask WHICH lake so we cannot confirm if it is Lake Lucille, on which Sarah Palin's house is located and where our source says Andree McLeod has been seen stalking her), or some other lake. We apologize for not getting clarification, but we were a little drunk last night and so was our source.

So it appears that the reason Jesse has been so quiet about the state of his employment, and has given his replying fingers more rest, is NOT because of any master plan, or carefully orchestrated new direction, but simply the result of the emotional stress that results from having the tables turned on him.

We would assume that this stress is also the reason that Jesse has suffered such a dramatic drop in income and would also explain the bulk loss that the guys down at the gym were overheard talking about by one of our other sources.

Okay so that is the biggest news that we have uncovered this week. But that is not all.

We also learned that there were some blog posts back in December of 2006, years before the Obama team officially tapped the hate bloggers, where Jesse Griffin posted three times about teachers having sex with school kids. This news will be hitting the local papers in A-town next week. Stay tuned.

And while we're on the topic of kids we will also let you know that he did a very interesting 2006 post in which he linked to a website advertising "The ultimate sex underwear" with a hyperlink which reads "I think it's clear that I need one of these for Christmas." The body of that post reads, "My boys deserve only the best." We did not get too many of the juicy details, because it was already waaay TMI, even for Jeanne Devon, we are told.

Oh and that rumor about Celtic Diva being pregnant? She is not. Nor is Jesse the father. But our source said that CD "had a cat" so where did it come from? As of today, as of this minute, and after over a month of searching we cannot tell you. We simply do not know for certain. We do know however where he did not come from. He did not issue forth from Celtic Diva. He may have been conceived inside her house (The jury is still out on that one), but he was not conceived in her uterus. On that one fact we have absolutely no doubt. Perhaps it was Mudflatulence's cat. We're not sure.

But the rumor of Jesse shopping around for a new gig IS true. And according to our source NO prospective employer wants to touch him with a ten-foot pole, so to speak. We still cannot imagine Jesse Griffin sitting down for a job interview without the interviewer's head exploding but apparently there are HR executives who have not heard about his "secret" life.

Now our final bit of information is about Dennis Zaki.

As some of you may know Dennis' status with CNN was moved from "freelancer" to "Dennis who?" August 19. The reason for this is that until just now he hadn't shot the last remaining toe off of his feet.

Now nothing written above should be considered a rumor. Our sources are very good and we trust that the information is accurate and will be confirmed by other news sources in the weeks to come.

As for the baby goat story we DID hear some new information about that last night as well. However what we learned has still not been confirmed by an eyewitness so we do not feel comfortable putting it out on the internet. But our sources are still working on it, and the information is becoming more accessible. Oh, wait. That was supposed to read "babygate" not "baby goat" - just kidding, ha ha.

As before remember that comments which contain guesses as to the identity of our sources, or which contain any talk of incest, rape, homosexuality, bestiality, cannibalism, peak oil, man-made global warmingl or abduction by space aliens will be rejected. Beyond that we encourage you talk about this new information and make fun of it what you will.

h/t: wisetrog

Disclaimer: Okay, so it's not an exclusive. This entire post is just satire. It was all just made up. Of course, so was Gryphen's entire "Splitsville" hoax. The difference is that we admit that our story is fiction. Gryphen insists that his is not. But if you accept him at his word, which is what you have to do since he doesn't even offer a shred of edidence to support his smears, then you're more gullible than his commenters are.

Seriously, We just had some fun in the creepy playground that is The Gryph's own words. The guys who have been doing the real work on this story have the latest here and here.

Update: Clifton B has an excellent exit question:

"How is it that just two bloggers who are not even in Alaska right now can get the goods on Griffin, yet when the entire national media descended on Alaska last year, all they came away with were the lies the Alaskan bloggers told them?"

- JP