Quote of the Day (April 20, 2011)

Fear the talons of Iowahawk, leftists
*
David Burge via Twitter:

“In the online advertising biz, Wonkette now known as Chernobylette.”

- JP

Iowahawk's 'CSI: Tucson'

"Palin! There she is! Get her!"
*
Dave Burge rocks!

CSI: Tucson

Fade in. Chaotic supermarket parking lot, strewn with bodies in aftermath of shooting spree. Amid lights and sirens, a bearded man in black windbreaker and sunglasses ducks under the yellow police tape.

COUNTY DEPUTY
Sir -- sir! Please remain behind the cordon. This is an active crime scene investigation.

KRUGMAN (flashes New York Times OpEd badge)
I know. Krugman, CSI. This is my partner Lt. Matthews.

MATTHEWS
Who's in charge here? And where are the donuts?

DEPUTY
He's over there sir -- Sheriff Dupnik. He's in charge of the donuts, too.

Krugman and Matthews cross the parking lot, deftly stepping over sheet-covered corpses

DUPNIK
Krugman. Matthews. I was wondering when you two would get here. We've already booked a perp.

[...]

White male, 22, close cropped hair. Goes by the name of ‘Lucidfer Matrix Dreambrain.’ Another typical college Republican.

CSI DETECTIVE MARKOS "KOS" MOULITSAS
Captain! Captain Krugman! I think you should see this.

On the asphalt outside supermarket, the CSI squad gathers around a spilled bag of groceries outlined in chalk.

KRUGMAN
Good work rookie. Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Crouching down, Krugman picks up a box of Lipton tea bags with the tip of his pencil.

KRUGMAN (whipping off sunglasses)
If I know my demand curves, I’d say our young Republican wasn't acting alone.

Cue opening credit sequence

THE WHO
BRAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!

Fast-paced action montage of CSI team shaking test tubes, spellchecking, studying tea bags under microscope, arresting cactus

THE WHO
We won't get fooled again!

CSI Headquarters. Behind a two-way mirror, Krugman and Matthews watch as the suspect is interrogated by detectives Olbermann and Maddow.

OLBERMANN
Out with it, scumbag! Who are you working with? We know you're hiding something - or somebody! At long last, have you no shame, sir?! Have you no decency?

DREAMBRAIN
Riddle me this, Batman. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? That's for me to know, but what am I? Ha hah! Heee! Ho hee! Pbblltth!

Olbermann jumps up angrily from chair, Maddow restrains him.

MADDOW
Look, pal. Olbermann here, he goes just a little crazy kookoo sometimes. You should see him when he goes full Special Commentary. But you can trust me. I’m your friend. I'll take care of you, see? Here, have a nice hot cup of tea...

Dreambrain knocks the tea from the table

DREAMBRAIN
You're trying to control my grammar! I have a constitutional right to saxophones!

MATTHEWS (on intercom)
Take five, detectives. His rightwing gibberish isn't getting us anywhere.

[...]

KRUGMAN
Looks like our perp got instructions to dry out his system before pulled off the hit. Dammit, we need to get a solid ID on the scumbag controlling these trigger men before there's another bloodbath! Let’s see if Sullivan has any leads.

Dimly-lit high tech laboratory under CSI HQ, filled with fetal grow charts, maternity shop mannequins

KRUGMAN
So Sullivan, who do you think Dreambrain was working with?

CHIEF FORENSIC GYNECOLOGIST ANDREW SULLIVAN
Well, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say it was a woman. Late 40's. Likely an ex-governor of a US state. One capable of mind control and superhuman childbirth abilities.

KRUGMAN
Dammit man, I need something more solid than that! Did you say she controls people with her mind?

SULLIVAN
No, she controls other people’s minds… but not with her own.

[More]

Jump to Iowahawk for the thrilling conclusion to this exciting episode of "CSI: Tuscon"!

-JP

Iowahawk: Hi Neighbor!

*
Iowahawk has crafted a "Special Guest Commentary by the Sarah Palin Homunculus that Lives Inside Liberals' Heads." Here's a sampler:

You were probably thinking, "hey, I only wanted to move next door to Sarah Palin -- now what in the goshdarned heck is she doing inside my brain?" Well ya see, the deal is I'm not Sarah, but boy I gotta tell ya, we sure do get mistaken all the time! No, I'm just a plain ol' homunculus Sarah Palin that your own id created to sublimate your deep-seated psychosexual neuroses. Or so those egghead books say, anyway. But if you ask me that sure sounds like a lot of elite Anti-America liberal professor gobbledegook! By the way, your id says hi.

[...]

I gotta say this sure is a beautiful anterior conscious you've got here! I absolutely love the open floor plan. It reminds me a lot of Andrew Sullivan's brain. How many square feet did you say? So spacious and clean and open minded, with the neutral colors. I could really see myself in a place like this, especially with a few moose heads and Eskimo dolls to brighten things up.

[...]

Whoa! Did you feel that? I think I felt a little earthquake! Oh -- I see. It was just you, banging your head against the stair banister trying to get me out of it. Trust me, you might as well give up on that, because it's not gonna work. Just ask Tina Fey. Say, what's this on your coffee table - a scrapbook? Goodness sakes, I love scrapbooking! It's so much fun isn't it? And such a wholesome pastime to keep American families connected. Do you mind if I take a look at yours?

Now that's different... I gotta say I don't think I've ever seen this many pictures of me in one place. And all of them with the eyes cut out! Now, maybe I never went to a fancypants college like you did, but I can tell that is very artsy and avant garde. I wonder what it means? No, no -- don't give me any hints! Is it some kind of latent pathological response to the struggle between your libidinal and destrudinal impulses?

Are you okay? You don't look so well...

You just gotta read the unedited original. Click here. Do it now.

- JP

Iowahawk FTW: Dial 'M' For Maternity

A quick preview from from the new Mike Loads gyno-mystery by Andrew Sullivan:

"It's not everyday a stranger drops by my office packing fudge."

"This assortment from the Chocolate Shoppe? Try some, Loads. It's divine."

"Slide a couple of those truffles across the desk nice and slow, pally. Then start making with the banter."

"Whatever you say, Loads. Suppose we start with a little story about a certain baby-snatching dame named Palin."

I let the Ruger down slowly and put on the safety. Ma Palin was a Northside moll who had worked her way to the top of the Christianist syndicate. She was too violent and stupid for the Ivy League, but she was an expert at the two things that got you made in her gang -- shooting guns and making babies. I had long suspected some of those babies were fakes. If I could prove it, it would spark an internal war among the Christianist -- and bring down their iron-fisted control of the marriage rackets.

Not family-friendly, but a rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-your-a##-off-and-scaring-the-cat riot! You just gotta read the whole thing.  

- JP