- By Ian RansomAh, you gotta love The Gipper, especially on "Down Came The Berlin Wall" Day. Those were amazing years for America. Remember? So full of activity and genuine optimism, instead of lethargy and liberal platitudes. Simply by appearing on television, Ronald Reagan could cause pinheads to spontaneously combust, back then. It was better than any July 4th fireworks display. You couldn't walk down the street in those days without encountering the runny remnants of some leftist's brain.
"Mama, what
is that awful stuff smushed there on the sidewalk?"
"Why, those are just the scrambled thoughts of some poor liberal, honey. You know how their skulls blow up when they sense government shrinking. Don't worry. People have jobs, now that Reagan is in office. Someone'll be along to clean up that perfidious progressive pudding."
I was not old enough to vote when Reagan first began to pull America safely from the sucking, belching tar pits of Jimmy Carter's ruinous administration. Jimmy Carter. I love it how, ever since Jimmy got his walking papers, the Left has burbled and cooed that "Carter is the best ex-President we've ever had!" Do I hear groans of understanding from the cyber-balcony? I hope so, because we
all know that only a liberal could confect a line so ripe and steaming with freshly deposited waste material from the nether-regions of a male bovine. Only Democrats could get as giddy as gum-snapping schoolgirls over "best ex-presidents."
Yes, I cherish the initial Reagan years because I was just entering my teens, and my family's automobile dealership, which had barely
survived Jimmy Carter, was flourishing again under Ronnie's economic plan.
We didn't have to be skinny, anymore.
We could take
drives to places.
Trust me: kids remember that sort of thing. Reagan's plan rewarded scrappy entrepreneurs like my grandfather, who owned his business and who was the most dyed-in-the-wool Republican I've ever known. Most thankfully for the nation, Ronald Reagan didn't equate leadership with loquaciousness, and when he gave a speech, he didn't need teleprompters that churned-out vapid psychobabble sprinkled in fairy-dust.
Big Government shrunk. It shrunk to the harrowing dismay of the Liberal Establishment, which was forced back to its SSS (Secret Socialist Sweatlodge) locations in California, Vermont, and Massachusetts. There, drawing-boards were weighed down with new plans. Plans enabling Democrat men to make limp wrists limpier. Plans that helped left-wing women hone their She-Beast skills to frigid perfection.
Reagan is no longer with us, of course, but his legacy is alive and kicking amid this national nightmare. Sarah Palin and others are seeing to that by steady invocation of the timeless conservative principles embodied by the very mention of the man's name. Like Ronald Reagan, Sarah's no-nonsense moral backbone and good cheer strike mind-frazzling terror in liberals and all others who believe that aromatherapy is a form of prayer. Don't laugh--there are millions of people out there who actually believe this. They believe it so hard that they constipate themselves and are thus forced to seek out herbal colonics...which ought to suit them just fine, when you think about it, because an herbal colonic is basically the liberal person's version of meeting God face-to-face. Call it the Leftist Circle of Life.
In any case, on this auspicious day in which we remember Reagan and the collapse of the Berlin Wall, I plan to shock and befuddle as many of my humorless, Democrat California neighbors as I possibly can. All I have to do is wear my favorite tee-shirt: Reagan's face on the front. Sarah's face (and the words "Palin 2012") on the back. See, there's a particularly miserable specimen of a man-hating, bra-eschewing hippy-lady living just down the street. She's always out in her yard, tending to her mung beans, pot plants, and her precious heirloom tomatoes. She snarls at me through her moustache whenever I jog past her house on my daily run, even though I still give her a friendly wave without fail. She used to be nice to me; that is, until she noticed the Palin bumper-sticker on my SUV a few weeks ago. You gotta love those open-minded libs, huh? Wait'll she gets a load of the tee!
Don't worry, conservative friends, Sarah's face won't be vilified: I may be getting a little older, but I can still outrun a flying heirloom tomato.
- Ian
